I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
some Old Testament wisdom
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor