2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
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Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho