For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
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I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Two types of dogs.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
this came to me in a vision
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions