Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*