It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
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It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Why is everyone getting married at me
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure