Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
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Jokes on them. I took 10.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
this is the most humiliating day of my life
The opposite of goth is stopth.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.