I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
*orders delivery*
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Name this drama.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds