I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
You Might Also Like
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.