Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
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Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
The Birdles
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese