My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
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“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
we’re gonna need another temp
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
the three genders
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”