The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
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I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
It do be feeling this way.