People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
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Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
The three genders
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Never let them know your next move 😂
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*