*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
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History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I would like even faster food.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
hackers play passwordle
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I am a gravy boat captain
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords