I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
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*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986