My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
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[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”