It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
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Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
the dark web is just a goth google.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.