[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Friday night party time 🥳
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Welcome to the stomach
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.