“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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For those that worship cheese..
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
giddy up Office Depot
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms