I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
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I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me