[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
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“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.