Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
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A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.