What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
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Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I鈥檓 not saying that my family doesn鈥檛 clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I don鈥檛 want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I鈥檓 going to get down safely
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing鈥檚 wrong with her. She鈥檚 just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 馃槙
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I鈥檓 fine with you not liking my tweets, as I鈥檓 adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 馃槀
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.