“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
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Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Smooooooth
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop