me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
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Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Dead sexy!!
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
no one ever comes back
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.