I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
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Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon