Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
me after drinking all the wine:
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt