Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
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My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.