NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
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what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.