Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
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really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Tony Hawk, age 6
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party