Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
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Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts