Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
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When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Twitter fine art
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME