[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
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Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Clients after you give them your rates