Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Happy Star Wars day!
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.