Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”