*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
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BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋