Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
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I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.