If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
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Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
This did not end as expected.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Always 🥴
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly