Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
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(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.