I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
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Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Thursday
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE