“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
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I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me