“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
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I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Me redecorating every room in my mind