getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
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*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.