Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
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my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Home is where your toilet is.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*