I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.