Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense