My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
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Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.