[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
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I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom