The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
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I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
(True)
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally