My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
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Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything