If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
put ‘er there pardner!
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.